Posted by Joe Baker - Longer winded than usual on November 20, 2001 at 14:10:17:
In Reply to: irked about parents posted by Julie on November 16, 2001 at 23:28:15:
Julie,
thank you for bringing up one of the more interesting not-REALLY-so-tuba-related threads I've seen here! I truly understand how you feel about the kid with the new horns, but let me give you some Dad perspective.
First, your assessment may be EXACTLY correct. A parent, either guilty because they have neglected to give their child their time or affection, or (in the case of divorced parents) in order to 'score points' or 'buy' their child's love, may give too much and cause the child to be spoiled and lacking in appreciation. I've seen it often. In such cases, the kid will trash the horns and move on to some other expensive activity in short order, and Mom and Dad will just keep doling out the sheckles well into adulthood. Such parents do their children no favors.
However, consider another kind of parent. A parent who loves his child with his whole heart, sees that music is an important part of the child's life, is able to afford a certain quality of instrument without putting the family on food stamps, and -- this is such an important part -- has a child whose responsible and upright behavior warrants it, would be remiss if they did NOT *help* to provide the child with the instrument!
Frankly, in the big picture, the price of a tuba is small potatos compared to the other costs of raising a child. I recently heard the figure $180,000, and sat down to debunk it. Turns out it was pretty much right on the money. So $3000 isn't SO much (just a lot at one time), and my child can benefit greatly. Involvement in music will make my child a happier, smarter, and more fulfilled person, more likely to finish high school, more likely to finish college, and less likely to get into trouble. He will learn to work with others, to set goals and meet them, and to have poise under pressure and in front of an audience. He will develop greater discipline and self-control. Because music can have such a positive bearing on my child's life, I would go to great lengths to get into his hands an instrument that will make my child even more enthusiastic in his pursuit of music.
My personal preference would be to allow my child to 'earn' the tuba, but not necessarily by earning the entire amount of the money. My pet method is 'matching grants'. When my kids want a car/instrument/camp/trip/pet -- whatever expensive thing -- I look at the cost, the degree to which I support the purchase, and determine that I will match funds at a certain percent. Maybe I'll match dollar-for-dollar on a band or choir trip or a car (provided I get to refuse cars I know would be unsafe or unreliable). Maybe it would be a two-to-one match for a church camp. Junior doesn't care enough about the ski trip to come up with half the money? Junior doesn't go. For an instrument, I might even offer to set up a fund and pay $3 for every hour they practice on the school instrument, to be applied to the purchase of their own instrument. You show me a kid who has practiced a thousand hours his first two years of high school, and I'll show you a kid who hasn't had much time for mischief. Bottom line, benefit accrues according to my child's contribution, and they appreciate what they get. But there are justifications for a parent just going out and buying their child an expensive gift. Maybe their child is doing lots of housework, driving the 'family taxi', getting dinner on the table three or four days a week, taking care of the younger kids after school, caring for an elderly relative, etc. Maybe they have studied very hard and earned a scholarship, or achieved Eagle Scout, and the parents believe a reward is in order. My son attended band camp last year as just such a gift, because he made it to state Bible Drill (a test of Bible knowledge) and then missed only one question. The Bible Drill was an activity of his own choosing, and there was no prior discussion of band camp; but when I saw the hard work he had done I was very proud, and wanted to encourage that sort of thing.
Of course, except for Bill Gates, every parent has a limit to what they can do. My middle daughter wants a horse. She's obsessed with the idea. I'd love to provide her with one, but we don't have a place for one, and stabling - YOW!! Expensive! I just can't afford it! The best I can do is take her riding once in a while. Similarly, many (most?) parents will not have the same options I do. For most (including me, just a very few years ago) a decent tuba might as well cost three million as three thousand. If they are making the same level of sacrifice to take out a loan that they can only pay back with the help of their child, they should be praised for doing so. If the best they can do is to pay the uniform cleaning fees so their kid can just be IN the band, they are equally deserving of their child's appreciation.
Julie, I suspect you wouldn't trade parents with the boy in question. I'll bet your parents are pretty great, and support you in your music. I'll also bet that you've shown yourself to be the sort of person who will repay a loan, and your parents are very proud of you. You guys have much more than tubas or money to be thankful for!
Joe Baker, who believes it is the degree of sacrifice, not the size of the gift, that counts.