Posted by Right With Ya, Brother on December 01, 2001 at 21:40:12:
In Reply to: Negative thoughts - help! posted by John Tuba on December 01, 2001 at 19:59:52:
I know exactly where you are at, because I'm right there with you. The details are somewhat different, but the end product is still the doubt and frustration. But I think you have to change your perspective somewhat.
You're counting notes until the next mistake. Don't do that. Let them be a surprise. You're human, so you're going to make mistakes your entire life. Warren Deck makes them, Gene Pokorny makes them, Pat Sheridan makes them, as does every other person that plays an instrument professionally. The difference is in the timing, size and ramifications of their mistakes. That's why they spend all of that time on the horn; learning as much about what NOT to do as what TO do. You can't acheive 100% perfection. All you can do is tip the odds in your favor. R. Winston Morris always talks about how there is no possible way to judge our playing objectively, even with a tape recorder. We will always listen to ourselves subjectively, with all of pur personal baggage that we have picked up over the years of playing and knowing what we are weak at. You may think that George sounds better than you, when in reality, you are the much better player.
Having the "I-hope-I-don't-screw-this-up" attitude will kill you. When you allow that to creep into your psyche, it's like you are allowing the horn to play you, or allowing something outside (fate? karma? ju-ju?) to influence your playing. One of the aspects of being a professional in any field is having the confidence to KNOW you can do the job, and the will to do it. Michael Jordan doesn't hit the court wondering if he'll screw up. Andre Agassi doesn't wonder if he'll ace every serve. All they try to do is their best, and most days it's better than the other guy because they have worked their asses of to get that good. But they still tank every once and awhile.
Your last paragraph leads me to think that you are trying to do something that 90% of our generation can't do: live as well in your thirties as your parents do in their fifties. OK, maybe not as well, but you have to be sure that you're not trying to do too much too soon. Unless you were born to it or married it, money is a concern for everyone. You don't have to have more toys than the other guy if you are OK with the ones you've got. I'll bet there are plenty of people on this board that have borrowed money from their parents after the age of 30. I know I have. Instead of looking down on it, my parents were happy that they were able to help, and I bet your parents feel the same way.
What is the private lesson market like in your area? I have found in my area that there are way more high school and middle school students wanting lessons than there are teachers. Makes a tidy second income. Even you only charge $20 an hour for lessons (surely much less than the local pro), a studio of 10 students nets you $800 a month. Not huge money, but you're only working 15 hours a week or less to get it. I realize that school schedules can be daunting, but look at it in the light that you will learn as much or more about your own playing by teaching younger students. If you told grad students in any other field that you could make $800 a month teaching 10-15 hours a week in your field, they'd be envious. Not much demand for private botany teachers.
Talk about all of this with your wife. If she truly supports your dream of playing professionally, the two of you will be able to reach a compromise. It may not be exactly the road you want to take, but if the destination is the same, it'll be worth the trip for both of you. Listen to her advice; after all, she was smart enough to marry a tuba player.
Good luck to you,
Another 30-something tuba player