Posted by John Tuba on December 01, 2001 at 19:59:52:
Well folks, I am posting a message to see what kind of replies I get to this post.
I love playing my horn. But... Well, I am thinking about getting out of music altogether.
I used to have confidence in my playing, but since I went back to school for graduate work, I am feeling less and less confident. Things don't come as easily as they used to, and I am wondering if I can compete.
I am not having any fun playing because it feels like I am just counting the notes till a mistake happens. When it does, I am professional enough to keep going, and not let it bother me, but then I still wonder if I will make another mistake.
So many of the people I went to school with, are no longer playing music and have a real job (they are making money) Now, I am married, and while my wife has a steady job, and we barely make ends meet, I still feel bad. Like I am not pulling my weight. (no fat jokes) She wants to get new furniture, and not have to be worried about money any more, and would like to have a car that works...So these are the times when I think, I am not having fun, and I am not making any money, maybe I should get out of the business and get in to a steady government job, or school job, and at least be making steady if not a lot of money.
Plus, she would like to start a family (not tomorrow, but still) and I know that in our current financial position, we couldn't do that.
I have concerts all this week, and I notice in myself, the "I-hope-I-don't-screw-this-up" attitude, not the "Damn-this-is-fun" attitude. I am going to see how the rest of this school year goes. But then it is going to be decision making time.
A part of me says, keep at it, it will all be worth it when you finally land some gig. Not the top level gigs, but a steady gig. (course, what orchestra is steady...and too fat to do the military) Don't give up. Don't be like those other guys who couldn't see it through. But that part of me seems to be getting smaller.
Almost 30, and we had to borrow money from my parents this year. I know my parents are proud of all I have done, but sometimes I wonder if they think "why doesn't he get a real job?"
I don't know. I hope you guys have some insight out there.