Posted by Rick Denney on October 03, 2001 at 15:17:14:
Last night at rehearsal, I realized that I didn't have the part for the music just called up, which is a transcription of the Tchaik 4 finale. It took the first few dozen bars of the conductor leading the band through it for me to find the part in the library box and return to my seat. I wasn't really paying attention to the conductor until I again had the horn in my lap. He had been trying to determine who in the band had a particular solo line at a particular spot, and he had been describing in some detail from his condensed score. No hands were raised.
Once seated and attentive, I became aware that the passage in question was in my part. Of course, everyone knew I'd had to collect the music--I'm the only tuba player attending rehearsals for this all-Tchaikovsky concert that is coming up--so nobody thought ill of me when I finally said, "I have it."
Then the conductor said, "Okay, let's start there. Rick, be really lyrical." But I felt a flush of adrenalin surge through my body--so much that it gave me the shakes. I actually did okay sight-reading the solo, but it took a solid hour before I could breathe easy again and before it felt like I had actual control over my fingers and lungs.
Last Spring, the same group programmed An American in Paris, and the solo that I had played at least acceptably in every one of the previous 100 attempts fell apart on stage. I actually felt the panic coming on, as a physiological phenomenon. My chest tightened up, my fingers got shaky, I suddenly felt like I had no control over my breathing. My sight blurred, and the noise level in my brain suddenly became overwhelming. This, on a concert with plenty of challenging bits that I had nailed better than ever during the previous hour of performance.
This seems a mostly new feature of my playing. I have no shortage of experience playing in public--occasionally for money--where my abilities were marginal to meet the requirements. I've always prided myself on getting all of my potential when in front of people, as if that little boost of adrenalin helped to clarify rather than to cloud. And I have mountains of recent experience in front of groups, expressing myself on a variety of topics, mostly explaining things I barely understand to people with no understanding. I never get panicky in those situations, which is one reason I enjoy some demand as a training instructor in my line of work.
I would like to solicit feedback from all of you with experience doing the public performance thing when your individual performance will be out there for all to hear. Some questions come to mind:
Have you ever had a panic attack as the solo section approached? If so, did you deal with it? How?
Do you notice an increase in these sorts of sudden anxieties and losses of confidence as you get older?
Did you once face this problem and developed a means of keeping it under control?
Please respond to the list, because I believe that this is an issue everyone either has faced or will face at some level, whether they are amateur or professional. I promise to appreciate all responses, even though I may offer some debate to get at something that isn't quite emerging.
Rick "who thinks these Tchaikovsky band parts are harder than the orchestra tuba parts, and who wants to nail them" Denney